How to handle poker douchebags at the table

I've been watching Poker After Dark (video available on nbcsports.com/poker) the last couple of weeks, which have featured your favorite loudmouths at the table, Mike Matusow and Phil Hellmuth. In the latter, Cory Zeidman (the guy who slowrolled Jen Harman with a straight flush), continuously (and in an annoying fasion) needles Phil to the point of aggrovation, although in the end it does affect Phil's poker play as he busts out in 6th, paying off Gabe Kaplan with an absolute terrible call. Cory in his 2+2 post says that he was trying to pay Phil back for all the times he's berated his friends in various tournaments over the years.

And for one, I do agree Phil does get what he deserves from other players due to the fact he constantly talks about himself all the time and is so delusional (like him comparing himself to Clinton and Churchill when he spoke at Oxford; something tells me Hellmuth and Hilter would of had some things in common).

The reason I bring this up is because since getting laid off at my job, I have had to gamble for a living (and successfully!) for the past few months. When you play poker everyday, especially live, you encounter a lot of funny, crazy, attractive, and unique personalities......but that's not all! You also encounter what Jacques Cousteau refers to as "douchbagerious pokerdai"....otherwise known as the poker douchebag.

It's critical that you will be able to handle this type of player a the table because you need to be at 100% mental capacity at all times to make the correct play. You want to be making the best decisions at the table, and having a poker douchebag can tilt you more than hearing Vanessa Rousso go for most "ums and uhs in a single run-on sentence" in the Guinness Book of World Records.

You know the guy; although some are worse than others. He's the one who takes time out of his day to tell you his bad beat story when his trips lost to runner-runner straight (which isn't that bad of a beat, IMO). He's the one who defends his play even when you didn't ask him to and pounds on his chest when you complement him. He stares you down after he rakes in a pot, shouts out incorrect odds all the time and thinks he's the next Jesus Ferguson, and even goes as far as swearing and berating others play at the table like he's a "red light moth" on ESPN. Basically, he's a wanna-be Phil Hellmuth. And when you call him out on his actions, he'll deny it to the death, deflecting the criticism to strangers he's just met who will have this look on their face like they've just seen two dudes kiss.

He sees Phil act like an douche, so he wants to be like him too. But he's not ten times the player Phil is. When Phil goes after players he knows or can throw barbs back, I will admit it is very entertaining (also for the fact it affects Phil's play) AND it's not uncomfortable b/c the pro players are used to it. It's good TV.

However.....

Phil CAN go over the line with amateurs when not even provoked. The Day 1 episode of the WSOP Europe (The video is on PokerTube.com, make sure to watch all four parts) is an example. The reason why pros and others don't let this affect them is because the bullshit is they know, and you should know, that part of Phil's "gamesmanship" is to make an edge versus lesser, emotional opponents..........but he does go over the line sometimes and his condescending attitude makes you wish someone pops him one day. You will encounter poker douchebags who can play and will try to intentionally tilt people for this reason. It's one thing to playfully needle, it's another to be an asshole.

No one ever wants to take issue with the fact that Phil is good for TV, but his behavior also influences others to act like dickheads at the table. No one ever takes him for task for it............even if Cory went 5 jokes too long with the dude. Dragomir in this year's WSOP ME may have had it right with his reaction, even if his broken English reminded me of Sasha Baron Cohen in "Borat".

The douche chicanery that followed with Phil in the WSOP: Europe in 2007 made it almost uncomfortable to watch. He is taunting Thor Hansen with curses, going after young woman at the table who obviously doesn't speak English, and ends with Phil getting drunk on champagne and acting like an ass by the end of the night.

That is when I have an issue with this, even though I am an asshole with Boston who has occasionally laughed at racist jokes. Phil can be a hypocrite because he rails on others for etiquette and calls the floor at any chance he gets (when he gets breaks by floor staff b/c of who he is), tells people how bad they play (even though he's won two HE bracelets, WSOP ME in 89 and a prelim in 2006, thanks to two suckouts), as well as the fact he's never had the stones to take on the UB scandal in an one-on-one interview.

You say, how does this affect you? Well, not only will I tell you, I will offer some advice on how to handle this type of player and turn the advantage against him. As a kid whose had to put up with loudmouth black basketball players in Roxbury, and outward pricks in Southie bars, I know exactly how to handle said douches. Take this example:

Now I play at 1/2 NL tables regularly while I grind to make a living at casinos like Mohegan Sun last Friday. Around hour 4, I hear wannabe Phil-douche call this one gentleman "an idiot and a fucking moron" after he chops a pot with KQ vs Q4s on a Q5535 board (lmao at getting mad at a chopped pot; any real poker player knows that with the many beats they've taken, it could of been much worse). It's obvious that the Q4s player is a fish there at the casino to have fun, and the douche is well, a douche. The problem is most poker douches don't understand that by telling people how bad they play, they may learn something they didn't know before, as well as the fact they may take their money and LEAVE, which is what you as the poker rounder DO NOT WANT.

Now what I did is either I or someone else has to be resorted to defending the fish who calls raises with Q4s (who I want stay in the game and at my table) by making fun of the douche to break the tension. He's wearing a Jay Cutler jersey, so instead of chiding the guy's mouth, I make Denver Broncos jokes:

"Well you almost won the pot until the Chargers intercepted it and returned it for a touchdown."

"Well, fuck you, the Pats cheated and blew the Super Bowl!"

"At least we didn't blow a 3 game lead with 4 to play after Earl Hepner refereed the second game of the season."

The guy shuts up, the table laughs it up and the fish is back to having fun, and I eventually felt the fish later in the session with my AA versus his J3 on a A349J board when he check-called all the way. He shakes my hand and tells me, "Nice hand, thanks for making me laugh in that uncomfortable spot, Bronco boy is a douche."

Daniel Negreanu and Johnny Chan, two world-class players, say positivity is the way to go at the table. You want to have fun and laugh with everybody while they lose their money to you, instead of acting like a linebacker in football who just sacked the QB after you win a pot every time. Angry works in football; smiles work in poker. I don't want poker to be a bunch of robot, but respect is important because, after all, degenerates are adults, too (I think).

Here are some tips to handle the poker douche in a passive-aggressive manner:

1) Make jokes about his clothing, haircut, and style. When I was a comedian, this was a sure way to shut up hecklers. Although it takes some balls and creativity, some of us don't have. But that's OK. Either way, don't go after the guy for his bad poker play (because you want to take advantage of it and "not tap the aquarium"). Find other ways to make the table laugh and deflect the attention, and make sure you laugh "with" the rest of the table, not "at" the guy because you don't want to start fights. I am a natural comedic genius, so this works for me, but for you, the next method could be useful.

2) Wear ear plugs or headphones. Some players hate hearing poker players talk, and I don't blame them. Hoyt Corkins and Dewey Tomko usually wear ear plugs to handle the loudmouth that is Mike Matusow. This is an effective method, but you can also lose information from other players during and in between hands. But the "shut-out" approach is better than going on tilt.

3) Go to the floor, don't totally confront the dude. The last thing you want is to make the entire table uncomfortable. The last thing you want is for everyone to roll your eyes while you two stop the game and get into an redundant poker argument. You'll look like those sports writer assholes on ESPN's, "Around the Horn". If some guy attacks you personally and goes after you, go to the floor, pull them aside, and quietly ask them to talk to the dude and assess whatever they need to do to shut him up. Don't make it about you, make it about the table because then he's just going to keep yapping more if you tell him to shut the fuck up, even if he deserves it.

The key in poker is to stay in the moment and be the bigger man and have your goals set in front of you. Be the mature, zen-like master and turn the negativity into a positive, that way when you get back to the table, you can shut him out and get back to playing your A-game because for as much as you are there to have fun and make friends, you are most importantly there to make money.